John 3:30, NKJV:
"He must increase, but I must decrease."
Friday, October 4, 2013
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Back to the Basics
There are always those times when we have to go back to step 1.
Sometimes it involves trying something over again because you got into a routine but fell out of step. Or sometimes you just have to remind yourself why you just walked into the room.
This happens to me quite often. Not just trying to remember why i walked into the room, but often having to go back to step 1. It's because i got myself into a routine. And routines can be bad.
One day i was thinking. Yeah, i was actually thinking. Thinking about being Christlike. i've thought about the concept before and have many times tried (and often failed) to be Christlike. So there i was, thinking about being Christlike. And then the one thought that stopped me in my tracks (my thought tracks) was this:
my mind became blank. Dull. Numb. i just couldn't think...
and i thought what a horrible Christian i must be if i don't know the answer.
i'm the kind of person that likes to know things beyond the shadow of a doubt. It unnerved me that i didn't know the answer and i'm glad it did.
Later that day, God relieved the anxiety in my heart and showed me the answer. It felt like a small candle silently illuminating the dark chambers inside my head.
The answer is found in Colossians 2 and Ephesians 5. Go ahead and read it and then i'll discuss the beautiful revelation of this passage....
still reading?.....
i'll give you more time....
last verse?
......
ok. Let me highlight some verses that eliminated my cluelessness.
Verses 5&6:
verses 9&10:
Ephesians 5:1-2:
"Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma."
Colossians 2, verses 11-14. i'll paraphrase.
Christians don't try to be Christlike...Christians follow Christ. He is our Salvation and in Him we are complete. Christlikeness blossoms in us when we are devoting ourselves to Him.
Why should i be Christlike? Because i love Christ.
Sometimes it involves trying something over again because you got into a routine but fell out of step. Or sometimes you just have to remind yourself why you just walked into the room.
This happens to me quite often. Not just trying to remember why i walked into the room, but often having to go back to step 1. It's because i got myself into a routine. And routines can be bad.
One day i was thinking. Yeah, i was actually thinking. Thinking about being Christlike. i've thought about the concept before and have many times tried (and often failed) to be Christlike. So there i was, thinking about being Christlike. And then the one thought that stopped me in my tracks (my thought tracks) was this:
Why be Christlike?
my mind became blank. Dull. Numb. i just couldn't think...
and i thought what a horrible Christian i must be if i don't know the answer.
i'm the kind of person that likes to know things beyond the shadow of a doubt. It unnerved me that i didn't know the answer and i'm glad it did.
Later that day, God relieved the anxiety in my heart and showed me the answer. It felt like a small candle silently illuminating the dark chambers inside my head.
The answer is found in Colossians 2 and Ephesians 5. Go ahead and read it and then i'll discuss the beautiful revelation of this passage....
still reading?.....
i'll give you more time....
last verse?
......
ok. Let me highlight some verses that eliminated my cluelessness.
Verses 5&6:
"For though I am absent in the flesh, yet I am with you in spirit, rejoicing to see your good order and the steadfastness of your faith in Christ. As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him,and verse 7...
"rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, as you have been taught, abounding in it with thanksgiving."
verses 9&10:
"For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power."
Ephesians 5:1-2:
"Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma."
Colossians 2, verses 11-14. i'll paraphrase.
Only by being found in Christ are we clean. We were buried with Him in baptism and raised with Him. We died to sin and arose to holiness. God raised Christ from the dead and God raised US from the dead. We were once dead in our sins, we were once unclean, but NOW we are made alive TOGETHER with Christ...who has forgiven us all our sin.
Christians don't try to be Christlike...Christians follow Christ. He is our Salvation and in Him we are complete. Christlikeness blossoms in us when we are devoting ourselves to Him.
Why should i be Christlike? Because i love Christ.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Forgiveness Has No Number
"Then Peter came to Him and said, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?'"
Matthew 18:21
In Matthew 18* we find the parable of the unforgiving servant. Such a parable has a magnanimous force of application to our lives.
Man, being a practical creature, puts a number on forgiveness. Peter asks if he should forgive his brother UP TO seven times. Jesus responds,
"I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."
Though Jesus uses a number to explain to Peter just how much he should forgive, we should not take it to mean that that is the exact number of times we are to forgive; for if it were, we would be terrible Christians. Why? Because God has forgiven us more than seventy times seven. God has forgiven us seventy times a million, and that number times seventy, times trillion. And more. God has forgiven us an infinite amount, and so we should forgive our fellow man the same amount. We have sinned against holy God. God is the Author and Creator of life, and He is pure. No evil can be found in God. But evil is found in us. Day after day after day.
"The kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made."
We are the servant who could not pay his master the ten talents. We could not be holy before God, the price necessary for membership in His kingdom. We were in debt to God.
"The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, 'Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt."
God loved us. So God provided a way for our debt to be paid--the righteousness of Jesus meeting the holy requirement, and the death of Jesus providing for us our official death to sin--so that we could be holy and blameless. Our debt has been forgiven.
"But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, 'Pay me what you owe!' So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?'And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him."
We could not forgive our fellow man enough. God forgave us EVERYTHING. So now we must endure patiently with others and not hold grudges against one another. Forgive, and you shall be forgiven. The consequence of not forgiving is a promise from God:
He will do to each one of us what was done to the unforgiving servant if each one of us does not forgive others from their heart.
"Put on tender mercies." Colossians 3:12
*all scripture quoted in this post is from the New King James Version of the Bible.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Genealogies
In Matthew 1 and Luke 3, we have two genealogies. These two genealogies at first glance seem to conflict. But after some study, i have understood how they do not conflict.
i had a talk with some very scholarly atheists one time. They told me how Biblical scholars state that the two genealogies do not conflict; that one is of Joseph and one is of Mary. Then they went on to tell me how the two books oppose each other in saying how Joseph had two different fathers.
In Matthew 1:16, we see how Jacob begot Joseph. The use of the word "begot" means that Jacob was the natural father of Joseph. "Beget" in Biblical language means, in modern day language, "to be the biological father." However, in Luke 3:23, we see that Joseph is stated to be the son of Heli. Please note, though, that the word "begot" is NOT used in this recording of Joseph's lineage.
i scratched my head on this one. Perhaps Heli was a guardian of Joseph? But how to explain the different ancestry in the lineages.
i did some more research.
In the beginning of both lineages in Matthew and Luke, they look about the same. Abraham begot Isaac, etc., until the list continues after David. David, as many know, had more than one son. David had lots of children. In Matthew 1:6, we read, "and Jesse begot David the king. David the king begot Solomon by her who had been the wife of Uriah." In Luke 3:31, we read, "the son of Melea, the son of Menan, the son of Mattathah, the son of Nathan, the son of David." While the lineage in Matthew goes from first to last, the lineage in Luke goes from last to first. It's backwards, but the list in Luke puts Mary's line as starting from Nathan the son of David. Joseph's line starts from Solomon the son of David. So we see the Jesus' parents both were of the line of David but Joseph and Mary did not have the same ancestors.
The lineage in Luke IS of Mary. And the lineage in Matthew IS of Joseph. i did some research by going to the Defender's Study Bible. The notes on Luke 3:23 provided some insight. The word "son" found in Luke 3:23 is not in the original; so the word could be taken to mean "son-in-law," as it most likely does, because Joseph is clearly stated in Matthew to be the natural son of Jacob.
The genealogies are complementary. In Luke 3, Mary isn't mentioned. Her lineage is mentioned but her name is not inserted simply because she is a woman and women rarely had their names mentioned in genealogies. Joseph took her place in her genealogy as the son-in-law of Heli. The two lines of Joseph and Mary split at David. David had Solomon (Matthew 1). Solomon's line would not be the line from which the King would come but Nathan, David's other son, would continue the line in which the King would arise, through Mary. Joseph was the leader of his family and the earthly father of Jesus. Mary was the one who physically delivered Jesus into the world and it is through HER line, the line to which the honor of kingship was bestowed, that Jesus came.
i had a talk with some very scholarly atheists one time. They told me how Biblical scholars state that the two genealogies do not conflict; that one is of Joseph and one is of Mary. Then they went on to tell me how the two books oppose each other in saying how Joseph had two different fathers.
In Matthew 1:16, we see how Jacob begot Joseph. The use of the word "begot" means that Jacob was the natural father of Joseph. "Beget" in Biblical language means, in modern day language, "to be the biological father." However, in Luke 3:23, we see that Joseph is stated to be the son of Heli. Please note, though, that the word "begot" is NOT used in this recording of Joseph's lineage.
i scratched my head on this one. Perhaps Heli was a guardian of Joseph? But how to explain the different ancestry in the lineages.
i did some more research.
In the beginning of both lineages in Matthew and Luke, they look about the same. Abraham begot Isaac, etc., until the list continues after David. David, as many know, had more than one son. David had lots of children. In Matthew 1:6, we read, "and Jesse begot David the king. David the king begot Solomon by her who had been the wife of Uriah." In Luke 3:31, we read, "the son of Melea, the son of Menan, the son of Mattathah, the son of Nathan, the son of David." While the lineage in Matthew goes from first to last, the lineage in Luke goes from last to first. It's backwards, but the list in Luke puts Mary's line as starting from Nathan the son of David. Joseph's line starts from Solomon the son of David. So we see the Jesus' parents both were of the line of David but Joseph and Mary did not have the same ancestors.
The lineage in Luke IS of Mary. And the lineage in Matthew IS of Joseph. i did some research by going to the Defender's Study Bible. The notes on Luke 3:23 provided some insight. The word "son" found in Luke 3:23 is not in the original; so the word could be taken to mean "son-in-law," as it most likely does, because Joseph is clearly stated in Matthew to be the natural son of Jacob.
The genealogies are complementary. In Luke 3, Mary isn't mentioned. Her lineage is mentioned but her name is not inserted simply because she is a woman and women rarely had their names mentioned in genealogies. Joseph took her place in her genealogy as the son-in-law of Heli. The two lines of Joseph and Mary split at David. David had Solomon (Matthew 1). Solomon's line would not be the line from which the King would come but Nathan, David's other son, would continue the line in which the King would arise, through Mary. Joseph was the leader of his family and the earthly father of Jesus. Mary was the one who physically delivered Jesus into the world and it is through HER line, the line to which the honor of kingship was bestowed, that Jesus came.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Be Careful for Nothing
Philippians 4:6-7 states: "Be careful for nothing (do not be anxious for anything), but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." KJV.
There are at least two commandments i find in this scripture: 1) Be anxious for nothing, and 2) in everything, with thanksgiving, present your requests unto God.
To make progress with most things we do, we have to stop doing one thing and start doing another. Simply stopping is not enough. Stopping the propeller on a boat or a ship will keep it from moving any faster in one direction, but if the captain does not start up the propeller again in the opposite direction, the boat or ship will simply drift atop the waves. Movement in the opposite direction is necessary.
If we are to cease worry, anxiety, and complaining (which we must do; it is a commandment), we must also replace these things with thanksgiving and petition unto God.
There are at least two commandments i find in this scripture: 1) Be anxious for nothing, and 2) in everything, with thanksgiving, present your requests unto God.
To make progress with most things we do, we have to stop doing one thing and start doing another. Simply stopping is not enough. Stopping the propeller on a boat or a ship will keep it from moving any faster in one direction, but if the captain does not start up the propeller again in the opposite direction, the boat or ship will simply drift atop the waves. Movement in the opposite direction is necessary.
If we are to cease worry, anxiety, and complaining (which we must do; it is a commandment), we must also replace these things with thanksgiving and petition unto God.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
My first breath.
This Is Me.
My name is Ruth Hagel. i am 18. i grew up in Spokane, WA, and i have a desire to serve my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This is something about myself...i guess you could call it my testimony. Or my autobiography. Whatever it's called, here it is. Enjoy it or not.
i've been growing up in a Christian home, with parents who want to know where you are and what time you'll be home. My parents never let us kids watch anything with "immoral content" in it, listen to any hard music, or hang out with the wrong people who could severely influence us in the wrong way. We always went to church unless we were sick. If something happened on Sunday morning that you were interested in participating in...too bad. We were homeschooled, so our friends always came from the church and church youth group, or other such outlets. That's how it was when i was younger and, though they have a weaker hold of control over us, that's how it is now. Growing up in this family i never questioned the doctrine of the Bible as it was taught to me. i never questioned if God was really God or if i really did need Jesus. i just lived the life my parents lived. i accepted that i "accepted" Christ as my Savior and was thus ushered into some cult that met under a white cross steeple. My first "real" act of "repentance" was committed at age 4. i know for a fact that age 4 is too young to really know what the dilly people are talking about with all the Jesus stuff. i continued in life thinking i was saved, but not really living it. i would say the right words, act when it was required, and jump when i was told "jump."
When i was 10, my parents decided to give me the opportunity of going to a public school. i said "yes!" and entered 5th grade at Windsor Elementary school. My mother would always drive me there in the mornings, and there would be someone to pick me up later in the afternoon. i went to middle school for about 3 months, after which i felt that i didn't want to go anymore. In middle school i got my first real taste of the pressure of the world. Whenever i walked through the crowded halls with pants that weren't long enough for me, i felt small. Whenever i did something that made people laugh at me, i felt stupid. So many kids running around in one building, each one trying to find their niche. i left and began homework at home once more.
At age 11, i had a desire to learn guitar. i don't remember having any good reason to except that guitarists always looked cool and made awesome solos. My pastor and pastor's son helped me in this with their teaching skills and equipment(they lent me a guitar to practice on). Though at first i seemed to be avid in my learning, i gave up after a couple months. My guitar sat in the corner for 1 year...all by its little lonely self...i was too lazy and had failed to develop my interest.
At age 12, i began working at the Cocolalla Lake Bible Camp. i worked for two weeks the summer of '05. During those two weeks i had a peak of emotion. All around me the staff i worked with were happy, and they seemed to have such a love for Jesus while working there. At each meal we would all be laughing at the tables, telling jokes. Each Bible study in the morning would reveal to us some truth we had never thought of before, or would convict us. We would hear stories from the cabin leaders about children being saved in their cabins. The work in the kitchen was never dull, but always filled with laughter and busy-ness. All these happenings filled me with a sense of euphoria and i thought i had a desire for God. One i had never felt before. Filled with the emotion, i decided to turn once more to God and try living for Him. This is known as "rededication", though it is not a Biblical term.
This rededication did not stay fresh for long. Once camp season was over, my emotional dedication to God fell. i was no longer with my new friends. They no longer made me laugh and feel good about myself. i was home with my family once again, just doing homework, trying to have fun, and forgetting about God.
One evening i got nudged. Nudged by God. i was sitting in front of the piano, trying to play a worship song on my guitar. i kept getting frustrated. i just couldn't switch chords quickly enough. i was so frustrated i almost gave up. But then i decided to pray. i prayed and when i prayed, i asked God to give me the ability to play the song. i told Him that if He would only make me play right, i would play for His glory. i started playing again with a sort of determination and the more i played, the better i got. By the end of the evening i could play the song through.
At age 13, i began to take guitar lessons with a man named Simon Way. His love for music and the way He plucked the guitar strings(with such pleasure!)inspired me to pick up the beautiful instrument and explore its sounds. He would help me understand complicated music theory. It was he who showed me that playing guitar was fun. i began to get better at it and a little while later i found myself leading worship music in my church.
In the year 2007 i was working at camp again. i enjoyed hanging out with the people and working in the kitchen. i was always busy. All too quickly summer ended. September came, and i was now a freshman. i had much homework to do, which kept me on my toes, and it gave me something to do to fill the time. That fall was the beginning of a depression that would slowly overwhelm me. My thoughts became darker and darker...i was filled with the knowledge that nobody cared about me...that i was all alone. Everywhere i went i felt darkness and the numbing sense that i was alone. i didn't reach out for God. i had no desire to. i don't know how, but i slowly filled with anger, bitterness, and fear. My family expected me to be fine, to go to church, to say i was a Christian. In my heart i wasn't, and i knew this. i knew about God but i didn't care. Some of my thoughts were, "God is too hard to live for. i want to do this, and i don't care if God's there. i'm not going to pretend i live for Him anymore." Bitter and dark thoughts filled my mind constantly. i didn't want to be around people. i had no desire to do anything "fun." i did not, at all, want to be with my family. They only annoyed me and seemed to taunt me with their going to church and evening family Bible readings. In 2008 it only got worse.
The first time i cut myself was a nudge further into depression. At first i was scared. i had never thought of hurting myself before. This was another step away from God. i wanted to hurt myself. It felt good to let the bitterness and anger be revealed in the blood that flowed from the gash i made. Every time the anger felt like it was too much to contain, i would cut. i now wanted to do whatever i could to flee my "innocency"...the person i was before. The girl who never got drunk, laid, or high. During that time i had no driver's license, nor did i have any connections with a lot of people. i believe God spared me from doing drugs, getting drunk, and getting screwed. He was watching me all the time, protecting me even though i certainly did nothing to deserve it. i didn't want God, but He wanted me. i would cut on my arms and not even think about it being noticed by people. i just did it because it felt good. i think every teenager contemplates suicide and i know i certainly did. What reason had i to keep going? If God didn't care and i didn't care, life was empty. In the summer of 2008 i imagined that my depressed state of mind was coming to its end. i thought it would be ok. But i sank back down again. i felt betrayed by everyone around me, and no one could know the pain i harbored inside. Dejection, fear, and ANGER. Hey, the depression was terrible, and like i said, i don't know how it really got started, but i know that God used it to bring me to my knees. Near the end of 2008 i slowly began to get curious about God. i didn't like leading worship in church or going to Bible studies or anything like that. It was boring and pathetic to me. But in January i reached the end of all i could endure. i was so tired of being turned away from God, though i didn't admit it. It was on a Friday in January(the 2nd or 9th)of this year, 2009, that God used a valuable friend in my life to bring me to my knees. My good friend Janae and i had finished cleaning my dad's shop that night and we were in my room talking. i was telling her that i thought i wanted to go back to God, but i knew He wouldn't take me back because of my rebellion. i figured she would talk to me and i would be thinking "she's going to try to make me feel better." But when she talked to me(i can't remember what she said)it all made sense to me, and i believed her. i didn't want to, but i listened, and her words penetrated my soul. God's words. That night i gave my heart to Jesus, and i told Him that i finally realized how much i needed Him. Today i am striving to live for Him. i know that God is good and that He saved me for His purpose.
You need to know God for yourself and know Jesus for yourself. Love Him because He first loved you, and not because it's what you've been told.
My name is Ruth Hagel. i am 18. i grew up in Spokane, WA, and i have a desire to serve my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This is something about myself...i guess you could call it my testimony. Or my autobiography. Whatever it's called, here it is. Enjoy it or not.
i've been growing up in a Christian home, with parents who want to know where you are and what time you'll be home. My parents never let us kids watch anything with "immoral content" in it, listen to any hard music, or hang out with the wrong people who could severely influence us in the wrong way. We always went to church unless we were sick. If something happened on Sunday morning that you were interested in participating in...too bad. We were homeschooled, so our friends always came from the church and church youth group, or other such outlets. That's how it was when i was younger and, though they have a weaker hold of control over us, that's how it is now. Growing up in this family i never questioned the doctrine of the Bible as it was taught to me. i never questioned if God was really God or if i really did need Jesus. i just lived the life my parents lived. i accepted that i "accepted" Christ as my Savior and was thus ushered into some cult that met under a white cross steeple. My first "real" act of "repentance" was committed at age 4. i know for a fact that age 4 is too young to really know what the dilly people are talking about with all the Jesus stuff. i continued in life thinking i was saved, but not really living it. i would say the right words, act when it was required, and jump when i was told "jump."
When i was 10, my parents decided to give me the opportunity of going to a public school. i said "yes!" and entered 5th grade at Windsor Elementary school. My mother would always drive me there in the mornings, and there would be someone to pick me up later in the afternoon. i went to middle school for about 3 months, after which i felt that i didn't want to go anymore. In middle school i got my first real taste of the pressure of the world. Whenever i walked through the crowded halls with pants that weren't long enough for me, i felt small. Whenever i did something that made people laugh at me, i felt stupid. So many kids running around in one building, each one trying to find their niche. i left and began homework at home once more.
At age 11, i had a desire to learn guitar. i don't remember having any good reason to except that guitarists always looked cool and made awesome solos. My pastor and pastor's son helped me in this with their teaching skills and equipment(they lent me a guitar to practice on). Though at first i seemed to be avid in my learning, i gave up after a couple months. My guitar sat in the corner for 1 year...all by its little lonely self...i was too lazy and had failed to develop my interest.
At age 12, i began working at the Cocolalla Lake Bible Camp. i worked for two weeks the summer of '05. During those two weeks i had a peak of emotion. All around me the staff i worked with were happy, and they seemed to have such a love for Jesus while working there. At each meal we would all be laughing at the tables, telling jokes. Each Bible study in the morning would reveal to us some truth we had never thought of before, or would convict us. We would hear stories from the cabin leaders about children being saved in their cabins. The work in the kitchen was never dull, but always filled with laughter and busy-ness. All these happenings filled me with a sense of euphoria and i thought i had a desire for God. One i had never felt before. Filled with the emotion, i decided to turn once more to God and try living for Him. This is known as "rededication", though it is not a Biblical term.
This rededication did not stay fresh for long. Once camp season was over, my emotional dedication to God fell. i was no longer with my new friends. They no longer made me laugh and feel good about myself. i was home with my family once again, just doing homework, trying to have fun, and forgetting about God.
One evening i got nudged. Nudged by God. i was sitting in front of the piano, trying to play a worship song on my guitar. i kept getting frustrated. i just couldn't switch chords quickly enough. i was so frustrated i almost gave up. But then i decided to pray. i prayed and when i prayed, i asked God to give me the ability to play the song. i told Him that if He would only make me play right, i would play for His glory. i started playing again with a sort of determination and the more i played, the better i got. By the end of the evening i could play the song through.
At age 13, i began to take guitar lessons with a man named Simon Way. His love for music and the way He plucked the guitar strings(with such pleasure!)inspired me to pick up the beautiful instrument and explore its sounds. He would help me understand complicated music theory. It was he who showed me that playing guitar was fun. i began to get better at it and a little while later i found myself leading worship music in my church.
In the year 2007 i was working at camp again. i enjoyed hanging out with the people and working in the kitchen. i was always busy. All too quickly summer ended. September came, and i was now a freshman. i had much homework to do, which kept me on my toes, and it gave me something to do to fill the time. That fall was the beginning of a depression that would slowly overwhelm me. My thoughts became darker and darker...i was filled with the knowledge that nobody cared about me...that i was all alone. Everywhere i went i felt darkness and the numbing sense that i was alone. i didn't reach out for God. i had no desire to. i don't know how, but i slowly filled with anger, bitterness, and fear. My family expected me to be fine, to go to church, to say i was a Christian. In my heart i wasn't, and i knew this. i knew about God but i didn't care. Some of my thoughts were, "God is too hard to live for. i want to do this, and i don't care if God's there. i'm not going to pretend i live for Him anymore." Bitter and dark thoughts filled my mind constantly. i didn't want to be around people. i had no desire to do anything "fun." i did not, at all, want to be with my family. They only annoyed me and seemed to taunt me with their going to church and evening family Bible readings. In 2008 it only got worse.
The first time i cut myself was a nudge further into depression. At first i was scared. i had never thought of hurting myself before. This was another step away from God. i wanted to hurt myself. It felt good to let the bitterness and anger be revealed in the blood that flowed from the gash i made. Every time the anger felt like it was too much to contain, i would cut. i now wanted to do whatever i could to flee my "innocency"...the person i was before. The girl who never got drunk, laid, or high. During that time i had no driver's license, nor did i have any connections with a lot of people. i believe God spared me from doing drugs, getting drunk, and getting screwed. He was watching me all the time, protecting me even though i certainly did nothing to deserve it. i didn't want God, but He wanted me. i would cut on my arms and not even think about it being noticed by people. i just did it because it felt good. i think every teenager contemplates suicide and i know i certainly did. What reason had i to keep going? If God didn't care and i didn't care, life was empty. In the summer of 2008 i imagined that my depressed state of mind was coming to its end. i thought it would be ok. But i sank back down again. i felt betrayed by everyone around me, and no one could know the pain i harbored inside. Dejection, fear, and ANGER. Hey, the depression was terrible, and like i said, i don't know how it really got started, but i know that God used it to bring me to my knees. Near the end of 2008 i slowly began to get curious about God. i didn't like leading worship in church or going to Bible studies or anything like that. It was boring and pathetic to me. But in January i reached the end of all i could endure. i was so tired of being turned away from God, though i didn't admit it. It was on a Friday in January(the 2nd or 9th)of this year, 2009, that God used a valuable friend in my life to bring me to my knees. My good friend Janae and i had finished cleaning my dad's shop that night and we were in my room talking. i was telling her that i thought i wanted to go back to God, but i knew He wouldn't take me back because of my rebellion. i figured she would talk to me and i would be thinking "she's going to try to make me feel better." But when she talked to me(i can't remember what she said)it all made sense to me, and i believed her. i didn't want to, but i listened, and her words penetrated my soul. God's words. That night i gave my heart to Jesus, and i told Him that i finally realized how much i needed Him. Today i am striving to live for Him. i know that God is good and that He saved me for His purpose.
You need to know God for yourself and know Jesus for yourself. Love Him because He first loved you, and not because it's what you've been told.
Deuteronomy 8
Let us not forget God when we are satisfied and comfortable, but remember Him all the more; for we received all that we have from Him. And when He tests us, let us remember that it is for our good in the end. God is the all-knowing Father Who lovingly molds His children for His good purpose.
So...i think i've got a fresh outlook now.
So...i think i've got a fresh outlook now.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
An Attitude of Devotion...Something from William Law
i'm going through this book called "The Fruitful Life" by Jerry Bridges, and this morning i read in chapter 2 an interesting quote from William Law concerning the attitude of devotion. This is what he has to say about devotion to God:
"Devotion signifies a life given, or devoted to God. He therefore is the devout man, who lives no longer to his own will, or the way and spirit of the world, but to the sole will of God, who considers God in everything, who serves God in everything, who makes all the parts of his common life, parts of piety, by doing everything in the name of God, and under such rules as are conformable to His Glory."
William Law
This made me rethink my whole attitude of devotion unto God. It is never enough; we could always be more devoted.
"Devotion signifies a life given, or devoted to God. He therefore is the devout man, who lives no longer to his own will, or the way and spirit of the world, but to the sole will of God, who considers God in everything, who serves God in everything, who makes all the parts of his common life, parts of piety, by doing everything in the name of God, and under such rules as are conformable to His Glory."
William Law
This made me rethink my whole attitude of devotion unto God. It is never enough; we could always be more devoted.
The List
Sometimes i think it will never happen. That the days of hoping, planning, dreaming, and wishing will come to an end with nothing to show for. That all my expectations will collapse under the weight of reality.
i have compiled a list of places i want to go, people i want to see, and things i want to do. It's a monstrous list. Full of far-out, insane wishes that perplex even myself. When i have spare moments in time, i think on these things and the wishing grows stronger each time i do.
i doubt the fact that i can even do all these things. After all, i have no job and no high aspirations. Hair design? Like that will get me anywhere. Minimum wage? You can't go on a road trip to England with that for 5 days out of every week.
Crap. The paper on which the list is written gets crumpled up and thrown into the already full garbage can. It's hopeless. i tell myself that i want too much, and that i should be grateful for everything i have and not strive for anymore; that i'm lucky and blessed beyond worth for what i do have.
The wishing never stops.Whenever the doubt wells up inside me, i tell myself that i'm fine where i'm at and the poor list gets crumpled after each new creation. Where will all the wishing lead? If i can ONLY....
and there i go again. i'm a terrible person, a terrible daughter for wanting so much.
i say, "God. i know i'm here for a reason. But....do You think it's possible i could do just a few of these things?"
If i found a wishing well, i'm not sure i'd use it. i've already asked the supernatural blessing-Giver for those things i truly, really want, and it is His decision to make. Meanwhile, i experience life as it is and maybe that really is good enough. Maybe i do not need so many activities and sights. All of the events i experience and witness could be enough for a human such as i. Don't think i've given up. i really haven't. But while i'm here, allow me to smell the roses which pass beneath my nose.
i have compiled a list of places i want to go, people i want to see, and things i want to do. It's a monstrous list. Full of far-out, insane wishes that perplex even myself. When i have spare moments in time, i think on these things and the wishing grows stronger each time i do.
i doubt the fact that i can even do all these things. After all, i have no job and no high aspirations. Hair design? Like that will get me anywhere. Minimum wage? You can't go on a road trip to England with that for 5 days out of every week.
Crap. The paper on which the list is written gets crumpled up and thrown into the already full garbage can. It's hopeless. i tell myself that i want too much, and that i should be grateful for everything i have and not strive for anymore; that i'm lucky and blessed beyond worth for what i do have.
The wishing never stops.Whenever the doubt wells up inside me, i tell myself that i'm fine where i'm at and the poor list gets crumpled after each new creation. Where will all the wishing lead? If i can ONLY....
and there i go again. i'm a terrible person, a terrible daughter for wanting so much.
i say, "God. i know i'm here for a reason. But....do You think it's possible i could do just a few of these things?"
If i found a wishing well, i'm not sure i'd use it. i've already asked the supernatural blessing-Giver for those things i truly, really want, and it is His decision to make. Meanwhile, i experience life as it is and maybe that really is good enough. Maybe i do not need so many activities and sights. All of the events i experience and witness could be enough for a human such as i. Don't think i've given up. i really haven't. But while i'm here, allow me to smell the roses which pass beneath my nose.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Time
We should give our time in service to God. How are we serving Him if we're not giving out of our time in one way or another?
Do we fit God in on our lunch break or in the unexpected bits of free time that come our way? We shouldn't. We have been given "now" and we should use "now" to give God a return on His investment. Amen? This is definitely something i know i have to work on.
1 Corinthians 7:29-31-the time we have is short.
Proverbs 12:24-do much.
Ecclesiastes-death is inevitable.
Ecclesiastes 12-what to do before you die!
Do we fit God in on our lunch break or in the unexpected bits of free time that come our way? We shouldn't. We have been given "now" and we should use "now" to give God a return on His investment. Amen? This is definitely something i know i have to work on.
Ephesians 5:15-17 states:i realize that we don't always have time. Maybe we never have time. When we never have time, that's when we should make time. It would be wise to make time before we're out of time. Here are a couple verses i found on filling the time:
"Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."
1 Corinthians 7:29-31-the time we have is short.
Proverbs 12:24-do much.
Ecclesiastes-death is inevitable.
Ecclesiastes 12-what to do before you die!
Friday, December 31, 2010
2 Corinthians 7
i just got done reading 2 Corinthians 7, one of my most favorite chapters in the Bible. Paul is addressing the Corinthians about his previous letter to them, that had denounced the sinful actions that were being done in their church.
He says that he does not regret it, though he did. Through the letter, the Corinthians were convinced of their wrong and repented. They were sorrowful for what they did and they turned around and stopped the nonsense.
The Corinthian believers were sad, sad about their wrong. Humans tend to think of sadness as a bad thing. If a friend of ours is down, we try to cheer them up. When we hear of someone talking about themselves like they're bad, terrible people, we tell them the opposite and assure them that they are nice, good people. In 2 Corinthians 7:9, Paul says he rejoices that the Corinthians were made sorry. He doesn't say that because he is sadistic and likes to accuse people and make them cry, but because he loves them. He knows that their sorrow led them to repentance. They were stuck in sin and they needed to get out, and their sorrow led them to the place where they decided to stop.
Godly sorrow leads to repentance. Sorrow isn't always bad. When we are sorry for something we did that was wrong, it is a huge indicator that our heart is in the right place. It shows that we want to please God and aren't happy unless we do. God disciplines His children for their good. He causes us to be convicted by our own conscience so we can only learn to please Him better. i pray that this attitude would be found in me when i am not in God's will. i pray that i would be sorrowful when i am not doing the right thing so that i may repent and remain in the light.
Walk with the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.
God bless you and i hope you have a good day.
He says that he does not regret it, though he did. Through the letter, the Corinthians were convinced of their wrong and repented. They were sorrowful for what they did and they turned around and stopped the nonsense.
The Corinthian believers were sad, sad about their wrong. Humans tend to think of sadness as a bad thing. If a friend of ours is down, we try to cheer them up. When we hear of someone talking about themselves like they're bad, terrible people, we tell them the opposite and assure them that they are nice, good people. In 2 Corinthians 7:9, Paul says he rejoices that the Corinthians were made sorry. He doesn't say that because he is sadistic and likes to accuse people and make them cry, but because he loves them. He knows that their sorrow led them to repentance. They were stuck in sin and they needed to get out, and their sorrow led them to the place where they decided to stop.
Godly sorrow leads to repentance. Sorrow isn't always bad. When we are sorry for something we did that was wrong, it is a huge indicator that our heart is in the right place. It shows that we want to please God and aren't happy unless we do. God disciplines His children for their good. He causes us to be convicted by our own conscience so we can only learn to please Him better. i pray that this attitude would be found in me when i am not in God's will. i pray that i would be sorrowful when i am not doing the right thing so that i may repent and remain in the light.
Walk with the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.
God bless you and i hope you have a good day.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The Weight of Evil
"But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled; my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the boastful, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked."Psalm 73:2-3, NKJV.
That's Asaph speaking. His words show the despair of one who trusts in God. He sees those who don't serve God enjoying ease and abundance of wealth.
Why do those who are evil get rewarded? Why do those who have no respect for God have good things and appear to have a good life?
i have heard often the complaints of Christians who see people doing terrible things with no regard for others and enjoying their happy, fulfilled lives. It is discouraging. i'm not gonna lie, i've seen jerks running around with smiles on their faces and i have wanted to hit them. Really hard.
God's Word has something to say about the issue of evil being rewarded.
God spoke through Malachi about the great day of the Lord, and said that those who fear His name will "trample the wicked." The wicked will be ashes under their feet (now please don't mistake this for a reference to the holocaust).
"'For behold, the day is coming, burning like an oven, and all the proud, yes, all who do wickedly will be stubble. And the day which is coming shall burn them up,' says the Lord of Hosts, 'That will leave them neither root nor branch.'"Malachi 4:1, NKJV.
God sees those who trust in Him and will deliver them ultimately. Those who do evil in this life will receive their reward in this life. But in the next life they have everything to lose. They will receive everlasting punishment.
Those who trust in God will not be ashamed.
"O my God, I trust in You; let me not be ashamed; let not my enemies triumph over me. Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed; let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause."Psalm 25:2-3, NKJV.
David knew that God would not let him down.
When Asaph was sad because of the wicked, he felt like he had done right in vain, that it was no good to do right. The good people get screwed over, right? But he said that when he entered the sanctuary of God, he understood their end.
"Oh, how they are brought to desolation, as in a moment! They are utterly consumed with terrors."Psalm 73:19, NKJV.
Know that what Asaph, David, and Malachi said is the truth. God is just, and the wicked will get their just reward. This life isn't everything we have. We run to obtain the prize, the eternal reward. Those who do evil are shortsighted; they don't see eternity nor do they fear it. Things may be pleasant for a while, but don't think they're ready for judgment.
Now, don't gloat. But rather, look at your life and make sure you're right with God.
A Day at the Park
Looking back on the experience, they now remind me of the three blind mice. All comrades, all hanging out together, all blind.
It happened that i was meeting an old classmate downtown at Riverfront Park. i waited patiently, enjoying the scenery and the weather. It was summer, and i was pleased with the fun car ride i had downtown and being able to sit out in silence on a nice day by myself, though i was meeting a friend. It was an awesome time of solitude and sunshine.
As is wont when you are waiting by yourself somewhere public, my eyes strayed and wandered and observed every movement around me, all the people walking by.
Just down from where i sat, i saw three young girls, sitting and talking. They had their phones out and were chatting casually. i noticed they were the street type, who wore punk clothes and heavy makeup, and did what they wanted without caring what their parents thought (if their parents even cared).
i tried to ignore them and just enjoy my time waiting, but the thought of them would not leave me alone. i kept thinking of going to talk to them, to show them some kindness, but why should i? They would think i was weird and probably wouldn't even care. Highly likely they wouldn't care.
i waited a few minutes more and kept looking over at them, and couldn't stand it anymore. i slowly got up, took a few steps, then thought to myself, what am i doing?
i quickly quieted the doubt and with my resolve, continued walking in their direction. i finally got to where they were sitting, and there was a tree about a few feet in front of them. What's with the tree? i don't know.
i asked them if i could just sit and hang out with them until my friend arrived, and they all agreed casually. i could see they were somewhat uncomfortable, but not really bothered. i observed that they were middle school aged, and liked to wear cleavage-revealing tops. Perfect, i thought. i began talking with them, about little things and asking them what school they went to, what they were doing that day, etc. and not at all coming across as the creepy type (at least, i hope not). i sat against the tree, nonchalant style.
Two girls would look at me every now and then, but were mostly involved in their own conversation; but one in particular looked me in the eyes as i talked. Insecure as they were, i was surprised that one of them actually looked me in the eyes and listened with attention. i realized as i continued talking with them that this girl, the one who gave me the most attention, was the awkward third. The other two were better friends, but they all hung out anyway.
Her eyes haunt me to this day. i can never forget them.
After several minutes of conversation, i launched into telling the gospel. First i asked some question relating to Jesus. i can't remember exactly what i asked, but i think it was something to the effect of "Have you heard of Jesus" and "What do you think of Him?"
They gave the typical explanation of the Savior. "Didn't He die for our sin or something...?"
So i told them about how i had no hope, i was lost. And i told them how i met the Savior, and told them who He really was and what He did. All through my narrative, the girl with the haunting eyes paid the keenest attention and i directed some of my narrative solely to her. She looked at me and listened, and i felt that she was intensely hungry for the gospel which i tried to explain.
Time ran out, i had to go meet my friend.
So i went. i told them thank you for letting me hang with them, and they said goodbye, have a nice day, and were very nice as they sent me on my way.
So i met the friend and we talked, but my mind was still on that event that had become the highlight of my day. It would never leave my mind. i will never forget them, and the impact they had on me. i hope i somehow made an impact on them, or rather, that Christ had an impact on them.
It happened that i was meeting an old classmate downtown at Riverfront Park. i waited patiently, enjoying the scenery and the weather. It was summer, and i was pleased with the fun car ride i had downtown and being able to sit out in silence on a nice day by myself, though i was meeting a friend. It was an awesome time of solitude and sunshine.
As is wont when you are waiting by yourself somewhere public, my eyes strayed and wandered and observed every movement around me, all the people walking by.
Just down from where i sat, i saw three young girls, sitting and talking. They had their phones out and were chatting casually. i noticed they were the street type, who wore punk clothes and heavy makeup, and did what they wanted without caring what their parents thought (if their parents even cared).
i tried to ignore them and just enjoy my time waiting, but the thought of them would not leave me alone. i kept thinking of going to talk to them, to show them some kindness, but why should i? They would think i was weird and probably wouldn't even care. Highly likely they wouldn't care.
i waited a few minutes more and kept looking over at them, and couldn't stand it anymore. i slowly got up, took a few steps, then thought to myself, what am i doing?
i quickly quieted the doubt and with my resolve, continued walking in their direction. i finally got to where they were sitting, and there was a tree about a few feet in front of them. What's with the tree? i don't know.
i asked them if i could just sit and hang out with them until my friend arrived, and they all agreed casually. i could see they were somewhat uncomfortable, but not really bothered. i observed that they were middle school aged, and liked to wear cleavage-revealing tops. Perfect, i thought. i began talking with them, about little things and asking them what school they went to, what they were doing that day, etc. and not at all coming across as the creepy type (at least, i hope not). i sat against the tree, nonchalant style.
Two girls would look at me every now and then, but were mostly involved in their own conversation; but one in particular looked me in the eyes as i talked. Insecure as they were, i was surprised that one of them actually looked me in the eyes and listened with attention. i realized as i continued talking with them that this girl, the one who gave me the most attention, was the awkward third. The other two were better friends, but they all hung out anyway.
Her eyes haunt me to this day. i can never forget them.
After several minutes of conversation, i launched into telling the gospel. First i asked some question relating to Jesus. i can't remember exactly what i asked, but i think it was something to the effect of "Have you heard of Jesus" and "What do you think of Him?"
They gave the typical explanation of the Savior. "Didn't He die for our sin or something...?"
So i told them about how i had no hope, i was lost. And i told them how i met the Savior, and told them who He really was and what He did. All through my narrative, the girl with the haunting eyes paid the keenest attention and i directed some of my narrative solely to her. She looked at me and listened, and i felt that she was intensely hungry for the gospel which i tried to explain.
Time ran out, i had to go meet my friend.
So i went. i told them thank you for letting me hang with them, and they said goodbye, have a nice day, and were very nice as they sent me on my way.
So i met the friend and we talked, but my mind was still on that event that had become the highlight of my day. It would never leave my mind. i will never forget them, and the impact they had on me. i hope i somehow made an impact on them, or rather, that Christ had an impact on them.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Do Not Lose Heart
As i prayed this morning, two very important things came to my realization.
The first is that Christ served the whole time He was on earth. He came to serve, and He did; ultimately in His death for man's salvation.
"Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28, NKJV.
The second is that i should serve.
i am learning to put aside myself, and to take up the cross and follow after my Savior, who considered equality with God something not to be grasped (Philippians 2:6).
When i grow weary of the little things people do that annoy me (whistling, for instance), of doing chores, or when i don't feel like answering kindly to my mother who asks me to do something, i think of these verses. To take up my cross is what i have to do to follow my Savior. It means selfless serving. i should do this often, in fact, every day.
"Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Mark 8:35, NKJV.
So i must deny myself.
This is what i say to you. When you get weary of doing what you know you should do, don't give up. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the strength and desire to keep serving. Christ served. He did it for us, He did it for you. And remember these words from Paul:
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9, NKJV.
The first is that Christ served the whole time He was on earth. He came to serve, and He did; ultimately in His death for man's salvation.
"Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28, NKJV.
The second is that i should serve.
i am learning to put aside myself, and to take up the cross and follow after my Savior, who considered equality with God something not to be grasped (Philippians 2:6).
When i grow weary of the little things people do that annoy me (whistling, for instance), of doing chores, or when i don't feel like answering kindly to my mother who asks me to do something, i think of these verses. To take up my cross is what i have to do to follow my Savior. It means selfless serving. i should do this often, in fact, every day.
"Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Mark 8:35, NKJV.
So i must deny myself.
This is what i say to you. When you get weary of doing what you know you should do, don't give up. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the strength and desire to keep serving. Christ served. He did it for us, He did it for you. And remember these words from Paul:
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9, NKJV.
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